i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
