New invention idea: vibrating tampons
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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