Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
