Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
