Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
