I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
