Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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