she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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