Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I touched a dick in church today
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
