The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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