who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
