The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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