My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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