seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
