I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
