you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
