Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
