I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
