all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
