you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
