I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i will never coherently bang her
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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