You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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