he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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