Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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