The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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