Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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