everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
