Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
