You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
