I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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