I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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