my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I fill condoms, not promises.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
