Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
