dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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