if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
