Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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