She's JV to your varsity
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
