Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
