I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
