there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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