If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
