Your face is a jimmy john
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
