Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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