it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
