apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
