Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
