I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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