You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I just sharted jello shots
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
