My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
