just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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